x Abu Dhabi, UAEFriday 28 July 2017

Rooney-inspired horror movies? Go on, get the popcorn on

"Wayne Rooney-based horror movies" is simply too tempting to resist. I offer the following suggestions on the usual proviso to any Hollywood moguls who happen to be reading. I get 15 per cent.

Oh come on, it is really not that hard to get your head around it. Wayne Rooney and the horror genre is sure to be boffo at the box office.
Oh come on, it is really not that hard to get your head around it. Wayne Rooney and the horror genre is sure to be boffo at the box office.

Modern footballers, eh?

While the old-school professionals would play on with a broken neck, today's mollycoddled superstars need only see a photograph of an injury to come over all queasy.

Take poor Theo Walcott, for example. Speaking while on international duty, the Arsenal winger appeared haunted by the image of his England teammate Wayne Rooney's head. It was one of the England masseurs, Walcott explained, who turned his stomach with the gruesome photograph of Rooney.

Altogether now: And it was even worse when they showed him what it looked like after his accidental collision with Phil Jones.

"I have seen the actual injury and it is not a nice sight, to be honest," said Walcott, who may soon add to Arsene Wenger's injury woes by signing off with post-traumatic stress. "It is like something from a horror movie."

We have all seen the photographs now, thanks to Rooney posting them on his Facebook page in order to silence his critics.

(Note to Wayne: don't bother, they'll always think of something.)

Yes, it is a deep cut, directly down the centre of his forehead. But, really Theo, a horror movie?

He looks more like Harry Potter to me.

Still, "Wayne Rooney-based horror movies" is simply too tempting to resist. I offer the following suggestions on the usual proviso to any Hollywood moguls who happen to be reading. I get 15 per cent.

 

I Know What You Did Last Summer

A gruesome tale in which Wayne does what he does every summer: puts on a stone and wangles a pay rise.

 

The Silence of the Stands

A tense art-house thriller in which the agonising suspense builds during 90 minutes of foreboding silence at Old Trafford, shattered only by the half-time rush for prawn sandwiches.

 

Deep Red

A re-make of the 1975 slasher movie in which Wayne demonstrates his unyielding commitment to Manchester United.

(Note to producers: if you like this one, I would advise doing it before the next transfer window.)

 

An American-Owned Werewolf in London

Wayne takes a trip to the capital and returns looking hairier than before.

Note: this plot feels familiar, has it been done previously?

 

Fry-Up Day, the 13th

Terror at a supposedly tranquil holiday camp, as Wayne's love of cooked breakfasts spirals out of control.

 

The Exorcise

Blood-curdling scenes from Wayne's pre-season training, as the fitness team desperately try to rid him of the evil "spirits" - namely burgers - that have taken possession of his body over summer.

 

Poulter-Guest

Keen golfer Wayne invites Ian Poulter to be his VIP matchday guest. Everything is fine until Poulter returns the favour by taking Wayne clothes shopping. My eyes, my eyes!

 

A Nightmare on Gladwys Street

Sidelined by injury, Wayne decides to watch his beloved Everton from one of the more boisterous corners of Goodison Park. Whatever you do, Wayne, do not fall asleep, which is easier said than done while watching a Roberto Martinez team.

 

'AMIGOS' A TRINITY IN MYSTERY

Sticking with Manchester United but switching film genres, I was intrigued by the mystery of the "three amigos" who strolled into the offices of Spain's Primera Liga on transfer deadline day, claiming to represent the English champions in their bid to buy Ander Herrera from Athletic Bilbao.

Manchester United chiefs later claimed to have no idea who the men were and denied giving anyone the authority to act in the club's name.

So who on earth were they?

My initial instinct was that this bore all the hallmarks of a classic Rio Ferdinand prank.

However, in the absence of the defender bursting out from behind a potted plant, with a camera crew in tow, in a recreation of his short-lived English TV show, Rio's World Cup Wind-Ups, this theory was ruled out.

Next my suspicions moved to Joe Kinnear, the Newcastle United director of football who once boasted of his pan-European connections. Could he have rolled up with a couple of pals and forgotten which club he represents? It would not be the first name to slip his mind.

However, this theory was debunked once it became clear the men spoke both Spanish and English, as Kinnear can speak neither.

I did wonder about a more innocent communications error.

Could the three men have been acting not for Manchester United but FC United, the grassroots club founded by disaffected Red Devils fans?

Sure, it may seem unlikely that a semi-professional club which currently plays in the Northern Premier League would make a £30 million (Dh171.9m) bid for a rising star like Herrera. But surely they could just borrow the money and pay it back from the earnings and shirt sales he would generate?

Again, this theory proved wide of the mark.

In fact the men were not any kind of clowns, shysters, con-men or fraudsters at all. They were "sports lawyers", which is totally different.

 

sports@thenational.ae

 

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