x Abu Dhabi, UAEMonday 22 January 2018

Things you won't be seeing

If Mike Tierney's scenarios for 2011 became a reality Serena Williams would not be playing much tennis.

If Mike Tierney’s scenarios for 2011 became a reality Serena Williams would not be playing much tennis.
If Mike Tierney’s scenarios for 2011 became a reality Serena Williams would not be playing much tennis.

It is the most wonderful time of the year, when columnists run out of topics and resort to rattling off sports prophecies for next year.

Never would this space stoop so low by doing the predictable and issue predictions on what will happen in 2011. Rather, hereby is a heads-up on what will NOT occur.


Serena Williams does NOT play in the Australian Open after disclosing that her foot injury, which has been blamed as either tennis-related or from broken glass at a restaurant, actually was caused by the foot getting stuck in her mouth.

Archie Manning does NOT encourage his third son, Cooper, to resume playing football after his other two boys, Peyton and Eli, disappoint him by not reaching the Super Bowl with the Indianapolis Colts or the New York Giants, respectively.


In a twist on the "I'm going to Disneyland" line spoken by the confetti-covered star on a just-crowned team, Michael Vick does NOT say after winning the Super Bowl, "I'm going to New York … for the Westminster Dog Show."

LeBron James does NOT skip the NBA All-Star Game even though he believes teaming up with the league's best non-Heat players is a step down from playing daily with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.


To keep pace with the Boston Red Sox, the filthy-rich New York Yankees do NOT acquire the entire San Diego roster, which would force the penny-pinching Padres to replace it with pot-bellied guys from the Thursday beer league.


Phil Mickelson, who gets to select the Champions Dinner menu at the Masters, does NOT name the dessert Humble Pie and dedicate it to rival Tiger Woods.

The Philadelphia Phillies, with the greatest starting rotation ever, do NOT shut down their bullpen because rigor mortis sets in but, in their words, "it is called a bullpen, so we are putting bulls in there."


Serena Williams does NOT play the French Open because she has taken up marathoning and cannot figure out why her foot just keeps hurting.

Male drivers at the Indianapolis 500, feeling threatened by the improved Danica Patrick, do NOT fill her fuel tank with sand. They do fool her crew into thinking the race was changed to the Indy 487 because of a gas shortage, and she cuts the ignition prematurely.


Serena Williams, saying it takes time to remove the shards of glass because it came from a century-old bottle of vintage Lafite Rothschild that she hopes to reassemble, does NOT play Wimbledon. Roger Federer does NOT honour her by wearing a two-piece, lace outfit against Rafael Nadal.

After Miami wins the NBA Finals, a confetti-covered James does NOT say, "I'm going home to Cleveland … to pick up the rest of my stuff."


Major League Baseball does NOT turn its all-star game into a combined Yankees-Red Sox team playing the Phillies, even though the three franchises own all of the legitimate all-stars.


When Serena Williams announces that her foot rehab will extend through 2015, the tennis world does NOT ask, "Who's that?"


The NFL season is placed on hold over an owners' lockout of players and NOT to prevent Brett Favre from playing. Nor do the two sides attribute it to NOT being unable to find a knife large enough to slice the trillion-dollar pie that the sport bakes.


The NFL lockout ends, though NOT from mediation by Rex Ryan, the New York Jets coach, who says the idle time has him consuming seven meals a day instead of the usual five.

The Phillies do NOT complete an unbeaten sweep of the baseball play-offs following a 139-game winning streak in the regular season. Instead, they lose a 1-0, 18-inning game to the Red Sox in an otherwise perfect post-season after a 156-win year.


The mare Zenyatta does NOT come out of retirement to claim the Breeders Cup Classic. Actually, she wins the Ladies' Classic.

When the NFL lockout ends, Brett Favre does NOT come out of retirement - yet. To save wear and tear on his body, he delays his return until December.


To keep Favre retired, the NFL starts drug-testing for excessive amounts of ibuprofen and Geritol.

This column is a one-and-done deal, so you will NOT read about what will NOT occur in 2012.