x Abu Dhabi, UAETuesday 23 January 2018

Survival of the fittest

Better up that running machine's speed from gentle stroll to mild jog.

As we reached the second quarter of 2012, we have plenty to be thankful for. The world economy is just about avoiding total meltdown, nuclear Armageddon hasn't arrived and caged laboratory apes are yet to rise up and enslave their former human masters.

On a more personal level, I'm feeling somewhat content as Q2 marks the time of the year that my gym becomes almost habitable again. This is because those who had set themselves unrealistic New Year's resolutions clear off, acknowledging that they were doomed to fail from the start and this fitness lark isn't really for them.

I say almost habitable because a few of these types still persist in lingering around and clogging up the aerobics machinery with their wheezing ways.

However, I wouldn't mind if they actually used the equipment for what it was purposefully intended for, which is to up the heart-rate, thus burning calories and eventually lowering excess fat levels.

But this lot don't abide by these traditions. In fact, if one word could accurately sum up their exercise techniques, then that word would be restful. For them, it's all about a relaxed amble on the running machine, followed by a sit down, maybe a lengthy phone call and then some more lounging, before wandering off for a well-earned box of doughnuts.

An extreme example of the futility of their regimes is evidenced by a particularly hefty chap at my club who quenches his exceedingly minor exertions by repeatedly glugging Coke. And not just a petite can of diet drink, we're talking a two-litre bottle of full-fat, proper Coke. And all this while he creeps at a snail's pace on the treadmill, while bellowing into his Blackberry headset. Really, why bother?

Of course, everyone has to start somewhere in turning their life around, and one can't begrudge them for making an effort, but let's face facts: you're not going to get slender without losing a bit of sweat.

Most of us could do with shedding a few ounces, yet some of us have realised this won't occur without some willpower, hard graft and, most importantly, avoidance of all sugary liquids during gym time.

So, if the fear of resembling an overweight walrus on your next trip to the beach isn't enough to motivate you to get a bit more physical, maybe this will.

When those crazed science experiment monkeys finally break their bondage, thirsting for revenge for all those years of forcing them to smoke Marlboros and endure perfume being dripped in their eyes, how far do you think you'll get while waddling along draining a party-size vat of cola?

Better up that running machine's speed from gentle stroll to mild jog.