x Abu Dhabi, UAEThursday 18 January 2018

Movie theatre of dreams starring David Moyes and Sir Alex Ferguson

As Moyes tries to follow in the footsteps of Braveheart Ferguson, it is time to reboot some classics.

David Moyes with Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson.
David Moyes with Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson.

"I think about Sir Alex Ferguson's history - they could do a film about it. I have to make sure now that my history is something which the fans and people in the future talk about."

- Manchester United manager David Moyes, speaking this week.


While any sane sports fan will have nothing but admiration for David Moyes's skills as a football manager, his understanding of the movie industry is clearly woeful.

David, baby, what can I tell you! Hollywood is not interested in making new films right now! Nobody is willing to take a gamble on new material, even about Sir Alex Ferguson.

Make all the history you like but right now all the studios want to know about are "rebooted franchises".

That means dredging up those tried-and-tested flicks and giving them a modern twist.

If Moyes wants them to make films about Sir Alex and himself, his best bet would be to pitch the pair of them as central figures in some of these hoary old classics.

David, you can have the following elevator pitches for free. But if any of them get made, I'm taking 10 per cent.

Back to the Future. Great Scot! In fact, two Great Scots! A likeable young pup eager to escape a life of humiliating poverty (Everton) falls under the wing of an erratic genius who has learnt to control time. He cannot time travel, as such, but he can make 90 minutes last as long as he needs it to.

Tango and Cash. Two mavericks thrown together by circumstance play "good cop, bad cop" while negotiating a new deal for Wayne Rooney. The title refers to the twin weapons they use to persuade Rooney to stay: fizzy pop and money.

Any Which Way But Loose. The adventures of a tired old slugger and his loyal companion, a flame-haired creature you would not want to cross. Right turn, Clydeside!

The Road. A chilling vision of a post-apocalyptic near future, in which a guilt-ridden older man tries to protect and guide his young charge through a perilous journey with only a slim chance of salvation at the end (maybe a League Cup, if he is lucky).

Rain Man. A young and ambitious go-getter realises that, to achieve the success he craves, he must enlist the help of an older man who is prone to violent mood swings and periods of non-communication.

Sideways. Two friends, locked in a dysfunctional relationship, take a road trip in search of the mythical Pinot Grigio, a young Mexican winger.

Weird Science. Two buddies work together to create the perfect footballer, which they design on a home computer while hoping that their house is struck by lightning at the precise moment of creation. Eventually, they give up and realise that if they want Gareth Bale they are just going to have to buy him.

Million Dollar Baby. A wise old sporting sage decides to help a talented, yet so far undecorated, protege to achieve success.

It does not end well.