x Abu Dhabi, UAEFriday 22 September 2017

Jurassic Park 4: the possibilities...

With the news that a fourth instalment in the Jurassic Park franchise is in the works, we make a few suggestions for the next movie.

It may have been encased in amber for a decade, but Jurassic Park could soon be given a reboot. Recent rumours from Hollywood have suggested that Steven Spielberg has been throwing possible story ideas around with the screenwriter Mark Protosevich for the franchise's fourth instalment. Sadly Michael Crichton, the original author of the books, died in 2008, so we've come up with some plot lines of our own to give Spielberg a helping hand.

Jurassic Park 4: T Rex and the City

Sixty years have passed since the first Jurassic Park and dinosaurs have successfully been tamed and assimilated into human society. When Steve, a huge, man-eating theropod from the Cretaceous era, joins a Los Angeles law firm as a fast-talking barrister with a fierce reputation, his new secretary Sarah (Jennifer Aniston), a lonely singleton who hasn't yet found Mr Right, thinks he's nothing but a disgusting brute with appalling table manners and a rather destructive personality.

After a series of hilarious consequences, Sarah begins to realise that behind the razor-sharp smile lurks a shy, sensitive character with a big heart, and also that his little hands are perfect for rolling sushi. If only Steve would stop accidentally wrecking her kitchen with his big, flapping tail!

Jurassic Park 4: Sabre-Toothed Giant Catfish

This "documentary" (or is it?) follows Nev, a freelance photographer in Brooklyn who starts receiving Facebook messages from an unknown woman calling herself Sandra. He's sceptical at first, but her social media credentials seem legitimate and she looks great in the numerous photos she has posted online.

After several weeks of flirtatious e-mails, tweets and pokes, Nev eventually decides its finally time he meets his new e-girlfriend so sets off to surprise her at her home. The surprise, however, is on Nev, as he discovers that Sandra is actually a ferocious and web-savvy Smilodon, a giant sabre-toothed cat endemic to North and South America during the Pleistocene epoch roughly 2.5 million to 10,000 years ago.

Jurassic Park 4: Planet of the 'Saurs

When a Nasa spaceship crash-lands on a distant unknown planet in the year 3978AD, its remaining crew members discover a land in which dinosaurs are the dominant species. Led by the vicious and vindictive Velociraptors, who have taken to wearing three-piece suits and monocles, and smoking cigars, the giant lizards have enslaved the native humans, who are used for manual labour and scientific experiments.

The spaceship crew eventually discover that human civilisation once ruled the planet, before its destructive tendencies and habit of making endless film sequels caused it be annihilated by irate movie fans. The last scene sees them unearth the charred remains of a Starbucks as they realise that the planet is actually a future Earth.

Jurassic Park 4: I'm a Celebrity Stop Eating My Face

A group of tragic fame-hungry F-list celebrities are to be shipped to a tropical island to perform humiliating tasks as part of an elaborate reality television show. But disaster strikes when the boat captain holds the map upside down and accidentally sends them to the same island from Jurassic Park, still covered in hungry dinosaurs.

The resultant bloodbath sees former boy-band members and kids' TV presenters eaten alive, but with viewing figures that break all television records, the broadcaster calls off the rescue party to capitalise on the ratings gold mine. In the end, it's up to the man who once appeared in the funny bank advert with the talking dog to lead the few survivors to escape and marginally better public approval.

Jurassic Park 4: The Most Likely Choice

Despite numerous reassurances that the dino-covered island from Jurassic Parks 2 and 3 would be left alone, just a few years later a big evil company decides that it's exactly the place it wants to build its NukoKill 2000 nuclear weapons facility. After a series of extremely unlikely events, a small boy (probably with floppy hair and big glasses), a rather tired-looking Sam Neil (again) and a tiny shorts-wearing female assistant also find themselves on the island and must escape both the man-eating theropods and an army of machine-gun toting mercenaries.

Following several close shaves, the goodies escape unscathed, the baddies are eaten via increasingly gory means and everyone agrees to 100 per cent definitely not go there again, kind of. It's much like the others, but this time in 3D.