I’d like to describe the last swimsuit I felt glorious in. It was a two-piece, from some particularly cool French boutique I had visited that summer. It was white, with a subtle muted grey pattern, and a beautiful ruffle on the trim. I looked great. I felt better. I was six.
Since then, most of the subsequent suits have been, well, (just about) bare-able. Everyone hates swimwear — tra la la — I get it all the time. I mean, it’s fairly obvious — for unless, of course, you are a raving exhibitionist, or one of those few with no kind of self-awareness (lucky you), then it’s never going to be a barrel of laughs. After all, we are faced with the task of pretty much baring all, in front of a sea of faces we don’t know, with nothing but a few triangles of Lycra to protect our modesty.
How do I know all of this? One just has to spend a day at the beach. Sure, there are those under 15 and over 40 who couldn’t give a toss, laughing, splashing around and doing what they are supposed to be doing — having fun. But for most of the rest of us, wading around in the murky pond of in between, we remain anxiously plastered to our towels to avoid the shameful 200-metre walk to the ocean, often running to the water as if on fire.
We sadly remain imprisoned by our fear of bathing suits. Silly, really, when all they are there to do is serve a purpose. You see, often (believe it or not) we can get a little carried away with swimwear, so much so that we deviate completely from its initial objective — in this case, swimming. Not swanning, not parading, but enjoying one of nature’s most splendid gifts.
I know it’s agony, but picking the right swimwear for your body type involves a fair amount of armour. Take a deep breath, do your research and be strategic. Forget about online, for the most common mistake people make is to grab the nearest “hide me quick” garment to spend as little time as possible under the pitiless fluorescent glare of the changing room. Try on as many items as you can bear, and don’t be afraid to ask the assistant for help. They have often been trained specifically to learn how to flatter different body types.
Fit the bust first. If you’re big-busted, you will need a wider strap or a halter neck for support, and go with a print that’s small and classic such as a small polka dot pattern. Solid, supportive styles with a built-in bra, control panels and stretch fabrics that will give added support should be your go-to. If you are small, go for a bandeau top, which will provide the illusion of broadening the chest; women with nicely toned shoulders and arms may want to try a racerback that draws the eye to their best feature.
Avoid any sort of marketing ploys such as the tankini (the swimsuit’s awkward little sister) or a built-in skirt. Instead of magically providing an invisible cloak, they simply draw attention to the places you are trying so desperately to hide.
Retro beach wear is a great way to appear on trend while not taking oneself too seriously. Think of the 1950s French Riviera, with its bold prints and vintage cuts. Although, be aware that a low-slung boy short will make your legs appear shorter than will a normal fit bottom.
It is a truism that most of us want what we don’t have, and as soon as we come to terms with the fact we won’t and can’t please everyone (too plump, too skinny, too short, too pale, too dark, the list is tiresome), the faster we will get to any kind of level of contentment. Whatever you do, avoid doing anything groundbreaking or anything that makes a statement. Swimwear should never involve an uprising or a revolt. There are so many other times in a woman’s life she should save that for.
[ ktrotter@thenational.ae ]
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