Dean Richards is a director of mischief

Our columnist wonders how Dean Richards, newly named Newcastle rugby chief back from a three-year ban, will top Bloodgate.

Nick Evans, second from left, of Harlequins, is brought back on to the field to replace the injured Tom Williams as referee Nigel Owens talks to Harlequins coach Dean Richards, right, and Leinster officials during the Heineken Cup quarter-final match between at the Stoop on April 12, 2009 in Twickenham, England. Williams was later found to use a blood capsule to fake the injury on the order of Richards.
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"Dean Richards will join Newcastle Falcons as director of rugby from the start of next season. The appointment marks his return to the game after serving a three-year ban for the "Bloodgate" scandal, in which he ordered Harlequins winger Tom Williams to feign a mouth injury using a fake blood capsule, of a type normally supplied by joke shops. "I am raring to go," he said. "I just can't wait."

News Report, March 15, 2012

Referee's match report, September 1, 2012. Newcastle Falcons v Bath

Incident. The match began seven minutes late after several Bath players complaining of inflamed skin around the upper torso.

On closer inspection, their compression undershirts were contaminated with a substance laboratory tests later confirmed as a proteolytic enzyme, commonly found in commercially available "itching powder".

Action taken. Affected Bath players allowed to change into fresh undershirts.

Newcastle players ordered to stop sniggering.

Incident During pre-match handshake, Bath players reported a mild shocking sensation, which prompted a brief melee between players from both sides.

Following the melee, my assistant referee noticed a small metallic object on the pitch. This has since been identified as a "joy buzzer", a hand-held novelty item which vibrates when depressed. Inquiries were made as to the ownership of said device.

Newcastle players unanimously suggested it must have been dropped by the groundsman, a well-known practical joker.

Action taken Device confiscated. Letter written to Newcastle Falcons regarding responsibility to maintain hazard-free playing surface.

Incident With 14 minutes played, and the Bath winger bearing down on Newcastle try-line, I was forced to interrupt play when the assistant referee drew my attention to a Newcastle player lying prostate, apparently felled by an arrow fired from the crowd. Initial appraisal suggested the arrow had pierced the right side of his skull, passed through his brain, and emerged on the other side.

On closer inspection, however, the "arrow" turned out to be part of the "Big Chief Sitting Duck" Native American fancy dress set.

The (uninjured) Newcastle player suggested he had tripped and fallen headlong on to the item, which must have been left on the pitch during the closed season, when Kingston Park is utilised by the Byker and Gosforth Historical Battle Re-enactment Society. Apparently they were doing Little Bighorn.

Action taken. Scrum on Newcastle's 22-yard line. Advantage Bath. Letter written to RFU about proper risk assessment of stadium use during closed season.

Incident At half time, I became aware of a commotion caused by several Bath players trying to force entry to the home dressing room, accusing Newcastle playing staff of committing a foul and unhygienic act on a catering table. Fortunately, it turned out to be one of those plastic ones. It was quite funny, to be fair.

Action taken Item confiscated for use at my nephew's 10th birthday party.

Incident With 78 minutes played and Bath advancing on Newcastle's try-line via a rolling maul, I was forced to interrupt play when a Newcastle player screamed "My nose! My nose! He's bitten off my nose!", clutching his face with one hand and what he claimed to be his severed nose between the first and second finger of the other. It was, of course, just his thumb poking through. Come on, how gullible does he think we referees are?

Action taken Penalty to Bath. Stern letter regarding conduct of players to Newcastle Falcons staff, executive board and principal corporate sponsor, Crazy Bob's Jokes 'N Fancy Dress, Jesmond Road, Newcastle.