x Abu Dhabi, UAESaturday 16 December 2017

Vampire send-up a letdown

There are many mysteries surrounding Vampires Suck - how it came to be made and who would see it, for example.

Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer.

Starring: Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Christopher N Riggi

Having lampooned the horror genre (Scary Movie), rom-coms (Date Movie) and even the film 300 (Meet the Spartans), the directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer turn their attentions to the Twilight saga with Vampires Suck. 

The story concerns Becca Crane (Jenn Proske), a teenage girl who has just moved to a new town. She quickly falls in love with Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), a vampire, but also draws the attentions of Jacob White (Christopher N Riggi), a werewolf. 

When Edward leaves Becca, she must work out a way to get him back, with the drama coming to a conclusion at the high-school prom. 

This spoof somehow manages to be worse than Friedberg and Seltzer's previous work - a real feat considering the poor quality of their filmography. The script abandons witty observation in favour of poor pop-culture references and jokes that are either in terrible taste or just aren't very funny. 

Perhaps the only saving grace is that Proske manages to do a rather good impression of Kristen Stewart, but that really is the only dim light in this black hole of a movie. 

There are many mysteries surrounding Vampires Suck - how it came to be made and who would bother to go and see it, for example - but in the end, questions are rendered irrelevant by the result - a banal mess that sacrifices anything resembling satire for a series of smutty jokes.