x Abu Dhabi, UAEThursday 27 July 2017

Pity the poor, out-of-work monster

As Zombieland hits cinemas in the UAE, could there be a challenge to the vampire's current domination of popular culture

(BEGIN TRANSCRIPT) Shh. Shhh. (NOISE ON TAPE) Comrades in Hollywood! We condemn today the capitalist myth-making of Twilight! We reject the vampire's insidious domination of the labour market! The Ex-People's Federation for Quality of Death will rise up against the prejudice that has made us forever the expendable, B-list monster! You may put down the zombie, but he will rise to the barricades again! And again! And again! Our bodies may not dazzle, but our braaaains are, excuse me, our brrrrainnnnnns are, I mean to say, we have as good braaaaaaaaiinnnnns as (NOISE ON TAPE)

(END OF TAPE) Dear Sirs, My mummy and I have been to see New Moon, thank you very much for it, I thought Edward was very nice and Bella was very nice too. It made me sad when Jacob was sad and I liked the men who turn into wolfs, my mummy was very sad because she says nobody makes films for mummies any more it is all just Boys in hi school and sparkling. My mummy says that she and my friend's mummy are coming to see You to ask you speshly to make more films for mummies. You will no my mummy because her bandages are not very clean and she says Wurrrrrrrrrr and things a lot, I think you will like her please put her in a Film if there is any of you left.

Love Imhotep Sirs, I have the honour to represent a client from an old family (among the Oldest) who is currently enjoying a long, long marine vacation. He has instructed me to write to you and secure him a place in the next of your cinematical dramas, following the success of the recent episode featuring the shirtless young gentlemen and the sparkly chap. My client is an aristocratic individual of mature years, but informs me that he still retains a washboard set of tentacles and can play between a mature 19 and a young Infinite Millennia in the Staring Blank Abysm of Time. He would be delighted to discuss his casting in person Manifestation Thingness full, and he has ordered me this morning to place one of his beautifully-appointed windowless black basalt towers at your entire disposal.

Many of my client's guests have borne witness to the impressive surroundings in extremely loud voices, and I have no doubt that it would have this effect on you as well - as we say around here, that is the one thing you can R'lyeh on! I look forward to your reply, and am further enjoined to inform you that my client's consort, Ms Shub-Niggurath, is an enormous fan of your Spongebob Squarepants character.

Sincerely yours, A. Alhazred, Attorney-at-Law Dear Masters, Having this evening finished the set of True Blood on the castle's magic-lantern, I respectfully wish to put myself forward for entertainment purposes should interest in the wampyr ever wane. I am the former member of a manufactured group, now sadly solo. Previous personal and professional relationships have gone up in smoke, to my great regret, but I believe that with the right "buzz", as you say, my career could be "rebooted". I am well above average height, highly proficient with needle and thread and extremely resilient.

Should you choose to maintain your professional relationship with the wampyr, I should be equally interested in work as a stuntman, or as body double to the Governor of California. Regrettably, I was left no name, but a letter to the castle will find me. Hi there, My name's Vicki and I wanted to talk to you about this amazing client we have that I think would be perfect for your Twilight dynamic? Everyone here at Seppuku PR was totally amazed by how you guys appealed to the teenage-girl audience in the new film (topless werewolf jocks - swoon!) and we all just turned to each other afterwards and were like, we so have the guy they need!

Mr G is basically the really tall, heroic type, with a totally incredible ripped physique, and he like always has his top off! But what's new, right, heroes are so boring (I'm thinking Jacob Black here, guys!) and so the G-Dogg can sometimes get this fascinating hatred for all of humankind, kind of because it doesn't understand him? And then he just has to basically put on My Chemical Romance and sort of destroy Tokyo for a bit, yadda yadda yadda, or lash his tail about, or crush pitiful human armies under his gigantic scaly foot, you know, or wade into the sea and do battle with a giant moth? But all, like, in a totally hot way!! I really think this could make something for you guys.

Zilla says to say RWOOOOAAAAAAAAH to y'all - hit me back! xxxV