x Abu Dhabi, UAESunday 23 July 2017

Dark Floors

As for the horror? Don't hold your breath. The monsters, portrayed here by the Finnish heavy metal band Lordi, are without a doubt the most wonderfully pathetic and least scary-looking beasts in movie history.

Wikipedia states that this was one of the most expensive Finnish movies ever produced. However, given the astoundingly bad graphics and unknown cast, it's a wonder where the money actually went. Noah Huntley stars as Ben, whose autistic daughter Sarah (Skye Bennett) is a resident of St Mary's Hospital. After a malfunction occurs while Sarah is getting a body scan, concerned dad Ben opts to remove his fragile ward from the confines of the institution - the consequences of which are dire. Finding themselves trapped momentarily in a lift with four other people, the group soon realise something is amiss when they exit on to one of the wards - only to find the hospital completely deserted. Not long after, the strangers find themselves being hunted down by a collection of monsters, all of whom seem to be inextricably linked to Sarah. Dark Floors suffers from a series of debilitating afflictions - not least of which is the convoluted and entirely confusing plot. As for the horror? Don't hold your breath. The monsters, portrayed here by the Finnish heavy metal band Lordi, are without a doubt the most wonderfully pathetic and least scary-looking beasts in movie history. Still, despite the obvious lack of talent shown by everyone associated with this pile of rubbish, it has to be said that it takes a certain amount of skill to make a scene involving someone getting their still-beating heart ripped out of their chest about as terrifying as watching an episode of Friends. Needless to say, the rest of the film follows suit, ending in a suitably prosaic and entirely forgettable manner.