x Abu Dhabi, UAEFriday 28 July 2017

Another Jurassic Park? Oh raptor, raptor!

A Hollywood director has announced that he has a great idea for Jurassic Park 4. Here are a few possibilities.

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Joe Johnston, the director of Jumanji and The Wolfman, has let slip that he now has a "great story" from which to make Jurassic Park 4. What could his story be? We imagine the e-mails- From: Joe Johnston To: All contacts Guys, Need some ideas here. Told today's interviewer after lunch that we've got a good story for Jurassic 4. I didn't think there was anyone left in Hollywood who hadn't heard that joke, but, well, now it's all over the papers. So stories, guys, stories. Anything that comes to mind. Help a brother out.

From: Quentin Tarantino To: Joe Johnston Subject: oh my Joe Buddy no way you're asking my ******** advice about JURASSIC PARK so awesome SO AWESOME. Basically I'm thinking of a sorta Howard Hawks homage vibe on this one, like maybe if a velociraptor can do kung fu? Hell yeah it can, look at those ******* claws, man, too awesome, and perhaps maybe the music of Steve Earle while it does it or let's say why not the Ramones? In slow motion.

Also we oughta get a Kurosawa thing going on, like say when Richard Attenborough is dancing away real cool to maybe Curtis Mayfield with Laura Dern and Archaeodontosaurus comes in through the swing door and WHA-BAMM like it takes off his arm and maybe bites off his nose and leg too and he's like AAAAAAAUGH PFFT PFFT HELP ME HELP ME sorta real hardcore and everything, you get me? I mean this is some David Lean **** right here.

Let's lunch and talk, bro. Call me when you get this. From: Clint Eastwood To: Joe Johnston Dear Joe, A young man like you won't understand, but age, responsibility and celebrity all take their toll on a dinosaur. The T-Rex isn't as young as he was, sure, but he still goes around munching up jeeps and gobbling lawyers on the toilet and vibrating those damn glasses of water because he knows it's what he has to do. It's expected, kid. And let's be clear, he sure as hell vibrates a glass of water better than Astrodon or that jumped-up pipsqueak Dystrophaeus.

So even though, you know, he might be happier with his Stravinsky and his Marcus Aurelius, he's going to come out of retirement for one last job, to show he still has the damn jaws ... you know, Joe, I like the sound of this. It smells of nobility. It smells of honour. It smells of pride. From: Wes Anderson To: Joe Johnston Subject: remake Peace, Joseph. You know, in a way there's a certain sweetness to this story I have. The T-Rex patriarch is in love with his son's Eobrontosaurus girlfriend, you see, but she refuses to mate with him unless he finances her InGen-branded line of souvenir commodities, which will be sold by Jeff Goldblum in the Jurassic Park shop as part of a film-within-a-film. Meanwhile, the T-Rex's nestmate is suffering from attention deficit disorder, which causes her to confuse the identities of her twin daughters: the one with the floppy hat on her snout and the one who runs a Bob-Dylan-themed juice bar. Sam Neill has got to play the academic, teaching them all to write movie scripts with their humorous vestigial front limbs. I know this seems simple right now but I think I can throw the viewer a few more curveballs along the way. Let's talk.

From: Werner Herzog To: Joe Johnston Subject: ENDURANCE Joe, the question is capable of instant solution. For what is a dinosaur but an expression of great desolation and power? What is Isla Nublar but the lost topography of our collective longing? Your film will be simple and straightforward. The first half hour must recapitulate certain instances from the first movie, namely the Dilophosaurus spitting repeatedly in the face of the obese American technician and the lawyer wearing a tie being consumed by the Tyrannosaurus while he goes to the lavatory. We must loop these episodes several times until America has observed itself in the face sufficiently. Afterwards the film should take the form of the tyrannosaur leaving his pack to wander through the jungles and waterfalls alone, majestic in his solitude. Perhaps he will throw himself into a volcano at the end. To find oneself, often it is necessary to destroy oneself, ja? You must find some appropriate music by Bach, Joe.