x Abu Dhabi, UAETuesday 25 July 2017

A novel way to meet people

Borders has announced the launch of a new online dating service in the UK. We take a look at how some lonely hearts of world literature might appeal to the opposite sex.

Scrooge, portrayed here by Albert Finney, would have some very specific demands if he were to place a personals ad with Borders new dating service.
Scrooge, portrayed here by Albert Finney, would have some very specific demands if he were to place a personals ad with Borders new dating service.

Larger M, age none o'yer business, interestin' employment, seeks similarly sized, good-hearted F for potion-brewin', acromantula-study, arm-wrastlin', care an' feedin' of hippogriff. Beard-trimmin' a periodic essential. Suggest meeting at Kings Cross station. Will provide directions. Please send photo an' details of height/bicep measurement. E-mail gamekeeper@hogwarts.com.

A new life awaits! Ageless C. European aristocrat, old family, refined tastes, accustomed to keeping unusual hours, WLTM healthy English Fs for friendship and fine dining. Own cellar essential. Especial interest in real-estate speculation. E-mail childrenofthenight@transylvania.de. Ys thys Thinge Onne? Oh. Righte. Ariftocratte of Note and Honoure, accomplysshed fwordesmanne, sekyth Quene with knowledge of heraldrie, sword-care and the Internette who promisyth nat to go offe with his Beste Mate. Must be prepayred to fpend indeterminate amounts of time Sleepinge. Clauftrophobia a Disadvantage. No BNP voters. E-mail underthehill@pendragon.org.

Country life? Pah! I'm so sick of the middle classes! Bored housewife, Rouen area, seeks tall dark, handsome sweep-you-off-your-feet M for trysts, midnight assignations, masked balls and passionate rendez-vous. Deep pockets an advantage. No doctors. What could possibly go wrong? emmab@yonville.fr. Ssssslim, pale, interessssting M, sssslight sssspeech impediment, ssseeks dissscerning F, fond of sssswimming and sssseafood. Own jewellery ess ? esssss ? very important. Mussst send photo of jewellery. smeagol@rockpool.net.

Prosperous landowner seeks governess to tutor his adopted daughter. Friendship and intimate conversation perhaps to follow. Own living quarters provided; full run of house except (unused) top storey; must bring earplugs for night-time use. Imaginative/inquisitive temperaments strongly discouraged. E-mail rochester@thornfieldhouse.org. I don't want some phony girl unless she really knocks me out, and if she really knocks me out I'm half in love with her on the spot. It's terrible. I know it's crazy, I just feel it. I guess this is a pretty crumby ad. Male, 16, confused, seeks supernaturally understanding F for aimless travelling and logorrhoeic games. E-mail emokid@salinger.livejournal.com.

Young single man of large fortune sought for daughter(s) by caring, considerate mother. Large establishment, jewels, carriages and title preferred: charm, scrupulousness and veracity optional. Offers above £5,000 a year. Choice of several fine female offspring: lists of talents (Handel, sewing, polite conversation etc) available on request. Candidates' friends, cousins, brother officers also encouraged to apply. MrsB@universallyacknowledged.net.

Member of the aristocracy, trapped in loveless marriage, seeks member of lower orders for walks, horticultural instruction, gamekeeping advice and more. E-mail notquitealady@chatterleyhouse.org. Inelecutable audacity of the indicible. Cumbersome fatality of the advertisable. Aquinas giggles in his Jacobin crypt. Oh now will you get on with it. Impecunious Dublin student and teacher seeks jolly F for local walks, night-time rambles and Irish historical debate. Knowledge of the classics a bonus. E-mail stephenhero@nighttown.biz.

Los Angeles M, self-employed, irregular hours, needs life insurance, vacation, home in the country. Has hat, coat, gun. Will settle for steady-going dame w/o propensity to insanity or gunplay to walk the mean streets together. E-mail marlowe@LAnoir.com. Sometimes feel like the world's against you? Me too. Sensitive, kind-hearted office worker (Prague), somewhat confused personal life, seeks easy-going F to help make sense of the world. Legal experience absolutely essential. Send copies of bar degree. E-mail josefk@courtsofjustice.com.

Professional male, London, risk-averse, much concerned by current financial crisis, seeks sober F for Malthusian discussions and to cook Christmas dinner. May leave before bedtime. Own humbug recipe, while not essential, would be advantageous. E-mail ebenezer@legalassociates.org Read too much into everything? Not for me. Professional symbologist and religionifier (copies of degrees provided), interesting freelance career, seeks F historiator or artologist with good navigational knowledge of European cities for further adventures. No Freemasons/Shriners/Water Rats. Weapons ability and active imagination a bonus. E-mail langdon@leonardoenterprises.com.