I believe you are in the market for a new caddie after parting company with your bagman of 12 years, Steve Williams.
That was a great call, by the way. Who does he think he is, caddying on with some Australian dude just because you happen to be taking an indefinite break from golf? Some people have no idea what loyalty means. No offence. Besides, Williams had a reputation for being a little arrogant. I cannot think where he got that from.
Anyhow, look no further for your caddie, because I am he! Let me tell you why I am uniquely suited to the job.
Club selection: I will always select the right club for you, no matter what the conditions. Sometimes you'll want a high-energy place, with pumping dance music and a party-hard crowd. Other times, you'll just want to chillax with low lighting and a swim-up bar. I'll know what you want before you do, buddy.
Head covers: Don't leave a club without them, that is my motto. You want to be that sap who tries to dodge the paparazzi with a sports jacket half-thrown over his noggin? No. You want to improvise with an empty KFC party bucket? Didn't think so. My head covers are hand-stitched balaclavas from pure silk. These bad boys are so comfortable, you'll want to keep it on long after we have lost the vultures.
Tees: I'll always have at least a dozen to hand, all in your size, in a variety of colours. Handy if last night's shirt smells of Chanel No 5, right?
PIN position: A lot of caddies pride themselves on their "pin position" work, which means advising their pro where the hole is located. Let me nip that one in the bud and save wasting your time or mine: it is always on the green, right beneath that little flag. PIN position, on the other hand, is about me knowing where you keep your cash card and PIN number. Why? Because sometimes the cocktail waitress wants to be paid for her story. Who would you prefer pays for it: you, or the National Enquirer?
Driving: I can advise you all day on this, but it boils down to a simple message: when you see the fire hydrant, turn the wheel or depress the brake pedal.
Pitching: This is considered to be the most important part of any modern professional golfer's game, and yours needs some serious work. What endorsement deals have you successfully pitched for in the last two years? I will get you thinking beyond Japanese muscle rub creams and back to the big three: soft drink, training shoe, automobile.
Crowd control: Spectators these days have lost all respect for the game and those who play it. Shouting, spitting and cursing without regard for those nearby … you should be free to do these things without people putting you off by taking photographs. I'll keep them in line for you, Tiger.
I look forward to hearing from you regarding my start date, etc.
Your new caddie,
PS - I hope you do not mind that I tied this letter to a brick and lobbed it over your fence. My first attempt was returned by the US Postal Service because your mailbox is rusted shut. Want me to pack some WD-40?