I have an implausible number of jeans in my wardrobe. I have fat jeans, thin jeans, boyfriend jeans, high-waisted jeans, jeans with a zippy bit at the side of the leg from art college days, jeans with threads and holes, white jeans, jeans with memories, jeans that hit at just about the most unflattering part of the leg - and a few pairs I barely recognise.
The average woman apparently owns seven pairs of jeans - with most of those pairs unable to get up and over the thighs. You see, denim is both a friend and a foe; that little pair of jeans, seemingly innocent, can be a bully as it hangs provocatively in the wardrobe, remaining untouched since the day the fastening prodded angrily against your middle as it failed to reach the button hole.
Denim will tell you that you have gained the dreaded kilos much before a best friend or a mother will. Jeans simply hang there, almost sneering, until we tackle the task at hand. They slump sadly, defeated, often next to the other unused pairs that perhaps remind us of a failed relationship or of a hopelessly carefree summer that may never be matched again. Yet they are seemingly impossible to throw out, as if by holding onto them we are holding onto something much more important.
With jeans, the less gimmicky, the better. Forget colours, crazy washes, rhinestones, low-rise hipsters or on-trend flares. These are never going to be long-term friends, and eventually will only deceive. Find a pair that fits, a pair you can easily touch your toes in without a sorry yelp or strange button imprints left on your stomach. Jeans should not punish us but support us. A straight-leg blue jean in a soft wash in a built-to-last denim will never let us down.
When in doubt about fit or length, get a tailor. The results are usually wonderful, and, for a low cost, jeans you thought were out of the question for your body shape suddenly become a contender.
Make sure to walk around the store in the jeans first; in fact, sit, stand and walk before making your final assessment, and keep in mind that most jeans stretch and then shrink back once washed, so think carefully about your size.
For me, the best jeans at the moment is the brand MiH. Soft yet supportive, they seem to miraculously change your shape, egging it on towards a more desirable form.
Most of us wrestle with vanity when it comes to denim, and comfort rarely wins, but unless you do something about that last half-stone, then all those horrid hip-bone slicers that still remain up there laughing have to go.
Anyway, even if we finally get to that desired weight, do we enjoy them? Absolutely not. We simply reward ourselves with another sodding pair we won't fit into in two months. And so the cycle goes on.
MERRY MIX Kelly Osbourne's grey to lilac ombre hair is our new obsession. Now to find a hairstylist willing to try it out on us.
TRAILING ALONG One of spring's biggest trends is the tail. We're OK with it on shirts, but not so keen on this
Jason Wu skirt.
PALM TREES These desert UAE fixtures have made an appearance on the Dries Van Noten catwalk and Markus Lupfer's jumpers (seen above) available at Net-A-Porter.
BOW TIES Women wore them - a lot - with tuxedos, chequered shirts and geeky glasses. And now we're moving on.
LEATHER LOVE Why we find ourselves yearning for these hot pink Ferragamo leather trousers is baffling, but we can't help but love them.