Text size:

  • Small
  • Normal
  • Large
Formula One 2014: Complete schedule, standings, driver info
Jose Mourinho has rejoined Chelsea as coach.
Jose Mourinho has rejoined Chelsea as coach.

Marriage is more than a word for Jose Mourinho

As Chelsea fans celebrate the second "marriage" of Jose Mourinho and their club, Will Batchelor imagines how the conversation might turn once the honeymoon period is over.

"I asked the boss: 'Do you want me back?' and the boss asked me, 'Do you want to come back?' And in a couple of minutes, the decision was made. I think we are ready to marry again and be happy."

Jose Mourinho describes his re-appointment this week as Chelsea manager.

Scene. A hospitality suite at Stamford Bridge, strewn with confetti and streamers. A "Just Re-Married" banner hangs from a solitary pin while helium slowly hisses from a balloon bearing the slogan: "The Special Ones". Only two guests remain. They sit at the bar, collars loosened, each nursing a coffee. The bearded man speak firsts, in a heavy Russian accent.

Roman Ambramovich: Well, Jose, we did it. How does it feel to be back?

His companion pauses. Running a hand through salt-and-pepper hair, he purses his lips and stares into the middle distance. Eventually he responds.

Jose Mourinho: Fine.

RA: That's it? Just fine?

JM: What else do you want me to say?

RA: Well, if I have to tell you, it's hardly worth saying. But a thank you might be nice.

JM: Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you. Thank you so much for bringing me here to show me what a great time you had without me.

RA: What? I don't know wh...

JM: That Champions League replica trophy? Bit tacky to still have it on display like that after all this time.

RA: What? But we keep all our trophies on...

JM: Oh, I know you do. Don't think I hadn't noticed the three FA Cups, one Premier League trophy, one Community Shield and that sorry what is it called again the "Europa League trophy"?

RA: But your trophies are there, too.

JM: At the back. If you can see past the glare of old Jug Ears.

RA: Well, sorry, but perhaps if you had won me a Champions League...

JM: Oh, throw that one in my face again. Like I told you at the time: That referee had it in for me.

RA: Sorry, which referee?

JM: Whoever was in charge when we lost a match.

Both men are silent. Eventually, salt-and-pepper pipes up again.

JM: So, good party was it?

RA: Tonight? Yes, it was...

JM: Not tonight. Did you have a good party after Roberto gave you your precious Champions League?

RA: What? No! I mean, yes, we had a few drinks and some snacks, perhaps a little music and dancing, but it was hardly a party.

JM: In this room?

RA: Look, I can't remember. I mean, it was such a long...

JM: A long time ago, yes. And yet you still have the trophy on display. So, did you enjoy working with him?

RA: Who, Roberto?

JM: Oh, so you admit there was more than one since me?

RA: Well, yes, a few. But you have hardly been a shrinking violet.

JM: Two clubs I have managed, two in six years. Remind me again, how many managers have you had?

RA: I don't really keep a count of.....

JM: Eight. You've had eight managers since me: Avram, Felipe, Ray, Gus, Carlo, Andre, Roberto, Rafael.

RA: Well, technically, Rafa was actually an interim manager. And let's not pretend you have been waiting for me all this time. We all saw you making eyes at Manchester United.

JM: Oh, really? I'm surprised you noticed anything while running after Pep Guardiola like a lovesick puppy. And he took his tiki-taka elsewhere. So you came running back to me and my old, tired, highly successful brand of defensive football. Take a good look at me, old friend, because this - you and me - this is all we've got.

RA: Well, not all. There is Michael, too.

JM: Michael?

A smartly dressed Nigerian man enters the room, holding a coat, which he hands to the bearded man.

RA: Yes, Michael Emenalo, my technical director. You'll be working together. I am sure you'll get along like a house on fire.

The Russian smiles and leaves, with Michael in tow. Salt-and-pepper walks across to the helium balloon, now drifting at knee level, and stamps on it.



Back to the top

More articles

Editor's Picks

 Glenn Maxwell's knock that followed ensured Brendon McCullum's knock went in vain after his explosive half-century took Chennai Super Kings past the 200-mark. Ravindranath K / The National

All is well with Punjab as Maxwell and Miller seal win against Chennai

The Australian missed out on a century but his 95 runs, along with Miller's unbeaten half-century, ensured Kings XI scaled a mighty peak of a target in a hot first game of Abu Dhabi's double-header.

 Sunderland manager Gus Poyet protests during the Premier League match against Crystal Palace at The Stadium of Light in Sunderland, northeast England, on March 15, 2014. Ian MacNicol / AFP

Sunderland going out of Premier League with a grumble

Northeast club have underwhelmed during seven-year stay in the top flight

 Hamburg players leave the field after the match against Borussia Moenchengladbach on March 30, 2014. AFP

Hamburg the dinosaur’s time may be up in Bundesliga

Ever-present for 51 years in the German top-flight, Hamburg face the prospect of relegation, writes Ian Hawkey.

 At 105 kg, Gabrielle Garcia has dominated the world circuit and loves many things about being in Abu Dhabi. Ravindranath K / The National

Garcia seeks fresh challenge in MMA after her jiu-jitsu domination

Brazilian prides being a lioness in the sport but feels she can shed 25kg weight to pursue her MMA debut aspirations.

 England's Jonathan Trott hits out during the ICC Champions Trophy semi final match against South Africa at The Oval cricket ground, London June 19, 2013. REUTERS/Philip Brown

England’s Jonathan Trott sidelined with stress-related illness again

Jonathan Trott is to take a second break from professional cricket because of his stress-related illness as England and Wales Cricket Board and Warwickshire confirmed he will stop playing with immediate effect.

 Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho looks on during the Premier League match between Swansea City and Chelsea at the Liberty Stadium on April 13, 2014 in Swansea, Wales. Chris Brunskill/Getty Images

‘That’s why we are a top club’ says Chelsea goalkeeper Petr Cech

Jose Mourinho’s men will temporarily claim the Premier League top spot if they beat Sunderland, leaving them in control of their own destiny in the title race ahead of a crucial trip to face Liverpool at Anfield on April 27.


To add your event to The National listings, click here

Get the most from The National