Good morning! It's 5am and I've been searching for almost an hour while shuddering at the E! red carpet coverage. (I see the mani cam has become a permanent fixture and Michael J Fox having Parkinson's disease diagnosis is a "fun fact".) Anyway, it appears the Golden Globe Awards are not screening anywhere on UAE television screens. Okay, um, choppy internet feed it is then! I should be finished watching sometime around 5pm tonight! Hence I shall not be putting a specific time stamp on my comments.
Bear with me; ignore the typos - here we go:
Okay, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey look amazing. On to the jokes. No one is safe! Also, much of their opening monologue is not suitable for repetition on a family blog.
I do love them ribbing Julia Louis-Dreyfus, nominated for her starring role in the brilliant TV show Veep (and also for my favourite movie of the year, Enough Said), for sitting at the "film table".
"Hi Julia, remember us? You know us from TV!" (Cue a shot of Louis-Dreyfus all "movie star", smoking an e-cigarette, wearing oversized dark glasses and refusing to take a selfie with Reese Witherspoon.)
A zinger for Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen, both recipients of the Cecil B DeMille award (Allen this year). Scorsese laughed when the ladies joked: "I assume the award is for tiniest man with the biggest glasses."
Fey: "One of my favourite movies this year is Her, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, which is perfect, because so does Joaquin Phoenix." (Was that a smile on his face?)
One of many jokes about Scorsese's film began with: "The Wolf of Wall Street shocked viewers by using the 'F' word 506 times in 3 hours." (Um, ladies, get up to Gulf speed: in the UAE the film was two hours long and profanity-free)
Lots of inappropriate ribbing of Barkhad Abdi, the first-time actor who plays the lead pirate in Captain Phillips and has gone from being a limousine driver to a Golden Globe nomination for supporting actor in a drama in record time.
Whoa! Sandra Bullock looks amazing in pink! It's time for best supporting actress in a major motion picture. Big surprise, Jennifer Lawrence wins for American Hustle (she was awesomely unhinged in that film). Aw, she thanks David O Russell! "Years ago I watched a movie called I Heart Huckabees and I was complete floored by this uncharted humour". Her dress looks, um, binding? A bit like a cracker barrel? Cute dangling earrings. Oh my emeralds.
The French actress Jacqueline Bisset, what a blast from the past. She looks amazing. Did she forget to do her hair? She wins supporting actress for a miniseries or TV film for On The Edge. I have never heard of it. I don't understand her speech, is she drunk? She blurts out: "Scottish background to the front!" then tries to thank both her agents, then hears the music, then says "I'm going to get this together" then says "I want to thank people who have given me joy, and there have been many" then says "I love my friends". Hmmmm.
Mad Men's Elisabeth Moss wins best actress for mini-series or TV Movie for Top of the Lake - a bit of an upset, I think, considering powerhouse Jessica Lange kills it every week on American Horror Story. Aw! "This is for you, mom".
Shallow thought break: Matt Damon is talking about Tom Hanks's powerful performance in Captain Phillips, but I can't help thinking that Hanks's wife Rita Wilson would look so good if she cut her hair into a bob.
This is hilarious: Fey and Poehler are poking fun at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association - an "esteemed" collection of journalists - by making up a bunch of ridiculous names for them and the outlets they work for. I just heard "Bichon Frise".
Jonah Hill and Margot Robbie from Wolf of Wall Street handle a technology fail like pros, and hilariously, by riffing until someone hands them a printout of their lines. "They put up the wrong stuff on the teleprompter!" Jonah lamented. "This is for Aaron Eckhart and Paula Patton." Robbie chimes in: "And I'm new so I don't want to improvise!"
Eckhart and Patton are next, smug in the knowledge the teleprompter is firing on all cylinders for them. Oh, no. Paula Patton's dress. Why are all those white birds sitting on her shoulder? I think she and her husband (Blurred Lines' Robin Thicke) must have been ignored as children.
Oh yes! All is as it should be: Bryan Cranston wins best actor in a television series for Breaking Bad. Could it have been any other way? (Cut to Michael Sheen from Masters of S*x looking deliciously downcast. Aw, you didn't think you'd win against the giant, did you?). Ha ha, this is obviously a shout-out to the UAE: "All around the world people got to share in Breaking Bad's mirth and merriment".
And Breaking Bad wins for best television drama.
I think the most entertaining parts of the show so far are the cutaways for commercial. Jennifer Lawrence with her award in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other! A shot of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow. And I can only imagine what Bradley Cooper is saying to Joaquin Phoenix, but it looked funny.
It's Steve Coogan and the real Philomena! That is such a good movie, when it played at the Abu Dhabi Film Festival it made me laugh a lot and cry a little bit and not at all think about what groceries I needed.
What an odd cluster of people to announce original score: I would not put Kate Beckinsdale together with Usher and P Diddy. Wow the guy who won original score is original! I like his old-timey tie and crazy beard and tall hair.
U2 wins best original song for Ordinary Love from Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. I know this is a powerful speech about politics, but my internet feed is jumping around all over the place and I am dreading whatever Bono has to say next. Yay! An excuse for a shot of Idris Elba, nominated for his portrayal of Mandela in the film (and also for his TV series Luther). I wonder how he decided on a table to sit at?
Jon Voight beats out Aaron Paul in Breaking Bad, wins best supporting actor in a drama for Ray Donovan. I have not heard of this show either. Booo! Voight always wears a scarf with his tuxedo, doesn't he? Is it his "thing"? Wow, his speech is dull. I think I feel asleep for a minute. Wait! He just confessed "I'm as nervous as everyone else!" Cute.
Amy Adams - looking amazing in a red halter gown - wins best actress for American Hustle. "I always cry when I'm not supposed to and then when a director asks me to cry I can't," she says. "It really sucks." I think Adams should also win for best performance in an acceptance speech. She didn't just thank her agents so much as honour them with a poignant anecdote of how they took her on 15 years ago when she took a chance on the business and moved out to Los Angeles; she shouted out to "princesses who can punch and wear low-cut gowns" in a nod to her unlikely transformation from the schmaltzy Enchanted star to the complicated, man-melting grifter she plays in Hustle. I loved when she yelped "you cannot play me out of talking about my daughter" when the get-off-the-stage music started.
Hilarious bits I have missed and cannot highlight here due to this spastic internet feed, which I cannot really complain about because it is free and my only option: Robert Downey Jr introducing best actress in a drama and Poehler playing Fey's grouchy "adult son from a previous relationship" while making fun of the whole silly "Miss Golden Globes" famous offspring beauty pageant thing, while Kyra Sedgewick, Kevin Bacon and the real Miss Golden Globes 2014, their daughter Sosie, look on.
Jared Leto is funny! My father is among the critics praising his performance in Dallas Buyer's Club, a film that is unlikely to screen in the UAE due to its emphasis on homosexuality and the transgendered. (Although who would have thought we'd be able to watch The Wolf of Wall Street here?) I like his Brazilian jokes. "Ladies, you know what I'm talking about," he says. "And so do some of you men."
Oh Emma Thompson, you are my ballsy heroine. She presents in an amazing metallic dress, heels in one hand, olive-laden martini in the other.
Love Spike Jonze's acceptance speech for best screenplay for Her; especially when he thanks his agent for "giving me advice when I'm anxious, like right now". He thanks David O Russell for watching the rough cut and telling him, er, "what to cut". Cut to shot of Russell, who looks less than enthralled after losing to him.
It's Saturday Night Live's Seth Meyers, who is just about to take over Jimmy Fallon's late-night show, so Jimmy Fallon can take over Jay Leno's show! (Who will take over for Seth Meyers? Oh, I'm sad now). Ugh, Julie Bowen from Modern Family. Most annoying, over-caffeinated actress ever. They are announcing best actor in a comedy or miniseries, and I want Michael J Fox to win for sentimental reasons. I've not seen his show, but my North American entertainment correspondent - my dad - says it's not very good. Oh, upset! Andy Samberg wins for the quite-funny sitcom Brooklyn Nine Nine. I can tell his speech is hilarious because everyone is laughing but I cannot hear it because of this internet feed.
Fey introduces Melissa McCarthy (presenting with Jimmy Fallon, he of the late night show musical chairs game) as the "cursing consultant on The Wolf of Wall Street". And cancer survivor Michael Douglas wins for the Liberace HBO biopic Behind The Candelabra. There is no way he can top his double entendre-filled speech from the Emmy Awards. Shallow thought alert: I am not at all sure about that goatee. Jokes about "more sequins". Doesn't it feel like this TV movie came out in 2009?
Frozen won for something! Random thought: I actually heard someone say they were freezing this week in the UAE.
How cool is this? Poehler wins for her role on one of my favourite TV shows, Parks and Recreation. Somehow she's managed to transform herself with a strapless black Stella McCartney gown and glamorous updo. On her way to the stage she fake-makes out with Bono. While up there she stops and says, laughing: "I never win, so I can't believe I won."
And… even while losing Louis-Dreyfus looks amazing, the best of the night, called it right here, in an orange halter dress.
Director Alfonso Cuaron wins for Gravity, makes a herpes joke. (And presenter Liam Neeson wins, unofficially, for the gravity with which he says Gravity). This is one of those films I loved while watching but grew to dislike afterwards possibly due to all those gratuitous shots of Sandra Bullock in her underwear and that terrible wig.
Jim Carrey plays a great elder statesman while ripping a plagiaristic weasel who claims he is retiring from the business: ""Dying is easy. Comedy is hard. I believe it was Shia LaBeouf who said that. So young, so wise."
And whoa, the shaky live feed I've been barely tolerating for several hours now is offline. I guess when you tune into a site that says "Watch the 2014 Golden Globes Online for Free" in big, weird red font, you get what you pay for! I figure the show has about 45 minutes left in it, which is about what was cut out of The Wolf of Wall Street in the UAE to eradicate it of cuss words. So I can definitely say I watched it.
And in the absence of the live show, I turn to Twitter:
I cannot believe the corporations and products on here hash tagging the Globes for all they are worth. Skinnygirl Cocktails toasts Amy Poehler. P&G thanks moms. And Applebee's says "time for a washroom break!"
#manbun is not really catching on in the way I thought it would.
Twitter loves Tina Fey's Michael Bay (Big Hollywood Director Known for Making Dumb Films) joke: "Michael Bay described our next presenters as... oh, um, sorry, can't do this."
Modern Family writer/executive producer Danny Zukar takes to Twitter to joke about the show's upset loss to newcomer Brooklyn Nine Nine for best comedy: "I didn't want to carry that heavy thing around all night anyway." I also love the joke Brooklyn Nine Nine's executive Michael Schur made in accepting, alluding to the show's shaky network status: "It would be a pretty baller move to cancel us tonight."
And Leonardo Di Caprio finally wins something! Best actor in a drama for Wolf of Wall Street, a film you can totally take your kids to this week, but only if you live in the UAE. In the words of Twitter user @alexandergold "LEONARDO DICAPRIO. THE BRIDESMAID IS THE BRIDE."
Seventeen magazine just called for Jennifer Lawrence to host an awards show next year. I disagree. If she hosts, then how does she get to be an normal, funny breath of fresh air when she accepts?
There is some suggestion that perhaps a black actor or actress would have been more appropriate to introduce 12 Years A Slave. (Not that Reese Witherspoon isn't an obvious choice.)
And YAYYAYAYAYAYAY! American Hustle wins for best motion picture, musical or comedy. If only there were awards for "best performance by male hair", Bradley Cooper's perm and Christian Bale's combover would clean up. I hope this film plays in UAE cinemas soon. I fear Amy Adams' cleavage might prevent that from happening. There just isn't enough screen blur in the world.
Cate Blanchett wins best actress for her squirmy portrayal of a fetching and well-accessorised lunatic in Blue Jasmine. Her pit stains, which basically stole the movie, get nary a mention.
Everyone is making fun of Leo for saying "Philomania". Someone is claiming to have a bad case of it.
I have not seen Dallas Buyer's Club, but the actors in it are cleaning up. Major upset with Matthew McConaughey's win for best actor over expected favourite, 12 Years a Slave star Chiwetel Ejiofor. Delight as McConaughey spoofs himself by saying "alright, alright, alright" and turns Hollywood heavyweight in an instant. In the words of Twitter user @kteasimpson1 "Good to know you can star in Maid in Manhattan and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and win Best Actor in a Drama". He really has made some terrible films.
Piers Morgan tweets his dismay that 12 Years a Slave is not doing better; the film almost immediately wins for best drama. I shiver and wonder: can Piers Morgan change the future with Twitter?
Best 12 Years a Slave tweet: @goldengateblond "Congrats to "12 Years a Slave," the best movie I'll be too uncomfortable to actually see."
Worst 12 Years a Slave tweet: @BradWollack "Steve McQueen looks a lot younger and blacker since The Great Escape."
And so, it's all over. What did we learn?
1. Johnny Depp and Jacqueline Bisset may have been a bit squiffy.
2. If Amy Poehler sits on your lap and you are Bono, just play along.
3. "Free live stream" is not a phrase that can be counted on.
4. It is possible, though not advisable, in a pinch, to cover a portion of an awards show happening several time zones and continents away not only from one's couch, but via Twitter.
5. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, the nicest Mean Girls ever, should host every awards show, all the time. After next year's Golden Globes, which they are already wisely lined up to do, there should be enough celeb zingers out there to publish their very own Burn Book.