If you want a peaceful holiday, keep away from the British

Michael Simkins

• Last Updated: October 19. 2008 9:22PM UAE / October 19. 2008 5:22PM GMT

The great Irish football star George Best once famously remarked, “I spent 90 per cent of my earnings on booze, girls and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”

His words will have a hollow ring for the couple jailed this week by the Dubai authorities for being caught in flagrante on Jumeirah beach, hours after meeting at an “all you can eat and drink” buffet lunch. Perhaps it’s just as well the iconic footballer was no longer around to attend the event, or he might have bankrupted the hosts.

Vince Acors of London, and Michelle Palmer, from the appropriately named county of Rutland, were found guilty of public indecency and unmarried sex after a hearing of the Dubai court of first insurance last week.

Their claim that they were merely ‘kissing and hugging’ proved to be as accurate a reflection of the truth as the firm I read about this week that described the sacking of half its workforce as ‘an exciting streamlining process in order to drive forward business margins’; in other words, conjuring with semantics.

Whatever their version of events, it cut no ice with the Dubai court, that decided that three months in the slammer, plus a tidy little fine of Dh1000 , might dampen the couples’ ardour, and thus provide a timely warning to anyone else considering doing something similar.

Back in Britain reaction to the sentence has been mostly one of gleeful Schadenfreude that at last the behaviour of Brits abroad should be met with the response it deserves.

The fact that the culprits were taken aback by the diligence with which the authorities pursued them speaks all too eloquently about modern British attitudes to foreign travel. Indeed, it is difficult not to feel a scintilla of sympathy for the couple, much as one feels sorrow for badly behaved children who have never been properly parented.

Once upon a time, long ago, British tourists went overseas to marvel at exotic cultures, dip an ankle in the sea, and soak up some much needed sunshine. But footage of those first faltering 1960s package tours to Torremolinos now seem as ancient as Victorian etchings.

Sadly, the antics that landed Messrs Acors and Palmer in the wrong sort of hot water have been not only been tolerated but positively encouraged by the holiday industry, desperate as always to make a fast buck. Inherent cultural traditions in countries as venerable as Turkey, Spain and Greece have been brutishly smashed underfoot in the rush to provide an environment in which British ‘yoof’ can get off their faces on drink, drugs and sex, usually simultaneously.

A survey of a thousand Britons has revealed that more than a third of them have had illicit relations on the beach, although one hopes not all at the same time. More surprising still, only 5 per cent admitted to having felt any embarrassment at being spotted by innocent bystanders.  A spokesman for the exotically named website snoglondon.com said that the danger of being caught only enhances the sense of excitement.

Nothing betrays the overwhelming nature of the problem than the Greek resort of Faliraki. Once a quiet fishing village, where the only example of tourists overdosing on drugs was your Mum taking a couple of aspirin to get rid of the sunstroke, it now braces itself annually for a tidal wave of 460,000 British tourists, most of whom have come with the express purpose of losing control of their faculties in the shortest possible time.

As someone who recently passed briefly through this benighted resort, I can vouch that native accents in those parts are as hard to come by as a traditional taverna. By contrast there are any enough Anglo-Saxon dialects to satisfy the fussiest anthropologist, although you’d be hard pressed to understand a word being spoken as everyone’s off their faces on cheap booze.

Those wanting an authentic Greek experience would gain more by buying a takeaway kleftiko from your local Kebab shop than visiting such a place.

Misunderstandings will inevitably occur from time to time, and I for one have witnessed incidents where local sensibilities have been offended simply by ignorance. But the Dubai authorities have thrown down a stark warning in this latest judgement to anyone thinking of pushing either their luck or anything else that comes to mind.

Michael Simkins is a London-based actor and author