Daddy not so cool

Martin Kelner

• Last Updated: November 06. 2009 7:11PM UAE / November 6. 2009 3:11PM GMT

Mike Agassi, right, made sure tennis came before everything else in his son Andre’s life. Matt York / AP

Let me paraphrase the poet Philip Larkin for you. Larkin said your mum and dad mess you up – although he put it in stronger terms – and rarely a day goes by when we do not read something supporting the poet’s observation.

I do not mean the awful stories of parents who mean their children harm. Sometimes the damage is caused by parents who mean well, but succumb to an overweening ambition on their children’s behalf, a mania to push them to the limits, such as Andre Agassi describes in his autobiography, writing about his father Mike.

Some have found Agassi’s confessions about his drug use, or the revelation that he hated tennis “with a dark and secret passion”, the most shocking passages in his book but, as a father of four who, like most parents, wants his offspring to be high achievers, I found the description of his childhood more unsettling.

As pushy tennis parents go, Mike Agassi does not quite make the major league, as it happens. Any injuries he inflicted were psychological rather than physical. But the intensity of the training regime he imposed on his child must shoulder some of the blame for the hatred the grand slam winner later developed for the game.

When Agassi was seven years old, his father built a machine he called The Dragon to shoot balls at his son at a whirlwind rate. He explained to the seven-year-old that if he hit 2,500 balls every single day, that would be a million balls per year, and he was sure to win Wimbledon. He also raised the net six inches above standard height so he would learn to hit high. He made sure tennis came before everything else in his life.

At what point, though, does ambition for your child morph into an egotistical desire for vicarious glory?

It is a question I asked myself when my seven-year-old son showed some promise in his junior football team. I noticed he seemed to have a football brain, taking up intelligent positions rather than joining the others swarming round the ball like flies around a pot of jam. He could also beat a man, and was quick. I used to liken him to Pat Nevin, the Scottish international winger who played for Chelsea and Everton.

Unfortunately, he inherited from his father a reluctance to tackle back and a tendency to throw in the towel when the going got tough. I suppose I could have pushed him, cajoled him, trained him endlessly, and hectored him like some of the parents did with their children, but instead I took a laissez faire attitude, and let him enjoy the other things in his life.

But you do wonder whether the more pushy parents have got it right, whether children have a natural tendency towards laziness, and need a strict regime, if they are to achieve their potential.

This probably applies more in individual sports like tennis or golf, where one-on-one coaching is more appropriate, but it must be awfully difficult to ensure the pressure put on the child is helpful rather than damaging.

There was a documentary film on British TV a while back about parents hot-housing their offsprings in tennis and golf, and most of the children seemed acutely aware of the financial sacrifices being made on their behalf. It was chilling to see how heartbroken the children were when they lost a tournament, mostly because they felt they had let down the parent.

Sure, you want your child to enjoy the prizes success in sport can bring, but not by breaking their spirit. In short, you want to be Earl Woods rather than Mike Agassi.

mkelner@thenational.ae