Merry melody?

• Last Updated: October 20. 2009 5:19PM UAE / October 20. 2009 1:19PM GMT

Bob Dylan’s new Christmas album isn’t the first time a singer’s festive efforts have missed the mark. Ben East looks at some of the most offbeat holiday songs ever made – and some of the best

When you first hear it, you can’t believe your ears. Can it really be Bob Dylan growling and gargling his way through the choirboy favourites O Come All Ye Faithful and Hark the Herald Angels Sing? It’s the stuff of internet hoaxes, surely, not the next album from the singer-songwriter responsible for some of the best protest songs the world has ever seen.

But no. Christmas In The Heart, is 100 per cent legit. Released last week, rather unseasonably, but in step with a lot of Christmas music, it’s a 15-track record of traditional songs that, even to be kind, Dylan completely murders. His heart is in the right place (the proceeds will go to charity) and there’s no doubting that the attempt is sincere and genuine. But the results aren’t just horrifyingly bad, they’re comical – Dylan’s rough voice makes it sound as if he’s sung himself hoarse trying to put his stamp on this version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

Still, at least it makes Dylan a mere mortal again – and it also means he can stand proudly alongside Wham! and East 17 (and we never thought we’d see those three in the same sentence) as makers of some of the worst Christmas songs of all time. Here, with apologies to anyone who is already infuriated by early sightings of Christmas decorations in the shops, are our top 10 yuletide singing shockers.

Wham! Last Christmas (1984): There are two categories in our Christmas song hall of shame: artists who should know (much) better covering traditional Christmas songs and bands making a festive “present” for their fans. This falls into the latter category. Wham! might be cheerfully clutching gifts in the sleeve photo, but this is a miserable tale of falling out of love at Christmas, and George Michael is still banging on about what a fool he’s been a year later. Get over it, man! For depressed singletons at office parties only.

John Lennon and Yoko Ono, Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (1971): A controversial choice, perhaps, but it illustrates the dangers of children singing on what are clearly dashed-out Christmas songs. They can’t reach Lennon’s high notes, so no matter that this might have been some sort of anti-Vietnam anthem, the wailing of the Harlem community choir is a different kind of protest song. Another reason why some Beatles fans can’t forgive Ono – and if possible the Céline Dion version is even worse.

Paul McCartney, Wonderful Christmastime (1979): McCartney clearly didn’t learn from his ex band-mate Lennon. The album sounds as if he got a new synthesizer for Christmas, pressed the demo effects button, and got his friends’ kids to sing “ding dong ding dong” out of tune over the top. It would almost be endearing if it weren’t so terrible: we’d simply have a wonderful Christmastime if we never had to hear this aberration again. The B-side is – we kid you not – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reggae.

Anything on Merry Mixmas (2005): Whoever thought it was a good idea to marry some of the classic versions of Christmas songs by the likes of Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole and Dean Martin with thumpingly inappropriate breakbeats clearly had too much eggnog. This compilation album was and remains absolutely unnecessary, and thankfully wasn’t a huge hit despite the presence of cool remixers such as Bent and MJ Cole. A travesty.

Bruce Springsteen, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (1998): This was happily never recorded in a studio, but there are plenty of live versions to – well, laugh at. The Boss inexplicably sings this happy song about a bearded man in a big red suit wondering whether you’ve been naughty or nice with all the seriousness and intensity of Thunder Road or Born In the USA. That’s not really the point – although it ends with a little Jingle Bells coda, which is quite cute.

Cliff Richard, Mistletoe & Wine (1988): We’ll admit – just – the possibility that Mistletoe & Wine is a victim of Christmas ubiquity rather than being truly awful. It is barefaced bid for modern hymn status and a rose-tinted view of an English Christmas no one actually has – which is why we can’t rejoice in the good that Richard sees. Perhaps a part of him doesn’t, either: it’s a little-known fact that he didn’t write the original song; the royalties go to Jeremy Paul’s pension fund. Ah well. “It’s a time for giving and a time for receiving.” Right?

Madonna, Santa Baby (1987): Christmas is – theoretically – supposed to be a family-friendly time of the year. So having to listen to Madonna at her most off-puttingly suggestive is simply wrong. “I’ve been an awful good girl,” she purrs, tongue so far in cheek you wonder how she actually got the line out. Not very well as it turns out: she sounds like the not-very-good singer you suspect she actually is. Eartha Kitt’s version is, though, untouchable.

East 17, Stay Another Day (1994): We’ve noticed a worrying trend: this depressing boy-band song about love and loss is being dug out at post-millennial Christmases. There is nothing – nothing! – Christmassy about Stay Another Day apart from some festive bells at the end, and the fact it was somehow Christmas No 1 in the UK. Do not allow this trend to become a tradition – such behaviour has already meant that McCartney’s schmaltz- fest Mull of Kintyre is regularly plucked out at Christmas time. And for what reason exactly? It has some vaguely seasonal bagpipes. Crikey.

Andy Williams, Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season (1963): This doesn’t sound too bad. It’s like the soundtrack to the benevolent American white Christmas everyone has in their imaginations. You can almost smell the chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Good job, because the lyrics are laughably poor: “It’s the holiday season/so whoop dee do/and dickory dock/ don’t forget/to hang up your sock.” Essentially, it’s two songs melded together – one by the greatest songwriter in history, Irving Berlin, one not. Failing to find anything seasonal to rhyme with sock and instead nicking something from a nursery rhyme is just lame. And you wonder why Christmas songs aren’t taken seriously.

The Jackson Five, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (1970): The fact that this plays perpetually in shops around Christmas time is probably one of the reasons I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus should be confined to the festive scrapheap. And isn’t it, you know, slightly odd for a young Michael Jackson to be revelling in seeing Mommy tickling someone who isn’t Daddy “underneath his beard so snowy white”? Is that really the message of Christmas?

The five best

Slade, Merry Xmas Everybody (1973): Who’d have thought: a glam rock band writing one of the most lasting Christmas songs ever. That’s down to its almost exhausting effervescence. It’s impossible not to smile when Noddy Holder bawls: “It’s Chriiiiiiiistmaaasssss!” The key to its longevity is the idea that the festive period is when you can look forward to better times. When Slade sing “look to the future now, it’s only just begun”, you’re right there with them. That, and the absolutely ridiculous haircuts they sported at the time – who couldn’t love them?

Wizzard, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday (1973): Nineteen seventy-three was a pretty good year for Christmas songs: Wizzard didn’t quite knock Slade off the top of the charts but I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday has been just as popular. No wonder – it sounds like pretty good fun, despite the financial issues it might incur. Like Slade, it’s brilliantly happy, too: it puts a great big smile on somebody’s face every time it’s played. The great paradox is that if it was actually Christmas every day, then listening to Wizzard might get slightly tiresome. Once a year, though, is just fine.

The Pogues, Fairytale of New York (1987): Now this is how to do a melancholy but memorable Christmas song. Nearly always voted the best festive tune thanks to its message of optimism amid gritty despair, there’s nothing rose-tinted about Fairytale of New York. A romantic folk ballad with an orchestra lines and lyrics about “scumbags and maggots”, it’s not traditional Christmas fare but is all the better for it. It’s the Christmas anthem for those who might have enjoyed the festivities just a little too much.

Mariah Carey, All I Want for Christmas Is You (1994): This song is so immediately Christmassy and memorable that many went scurrying for the record books to see who had enjoyed a hit with it first. But his was all Carey’s (and her co-writer’s) work, and it’s probably the last truly original Christmas song to date. It’s got the lot: sleigh bells, Santa Claus, some impressive vocal gymnastics and the reminder that presents aren’t as important as people. Bless Carey’s little heart.

Bing Crosby, White Christmas (1942): They don’t get much more warm and traditional than this. Is it important to note the fact that this was written in the middle of a world war, when a peaceful, white Christmas was all anyone could dream of? Maybe. What is beyond doubt is that Crosby sings Berlin’s classic quite beautifully. Not for nothing is it the best-selling song of all time (400 million copies and counting). If this isn’t in your top five Christmas songs of all time, you’re probably on your own.